There was a man who fell into a well. A passerby heard his cries for help and stopped to talk to him. The man in the well told the passerby that he needed to get to the police. The passerby said, “That’s easy. Just make a right onto this road here, follow it out to Main Street, go about three or four blocks and the police station is right on the corner of Market and Main.

Based on some comments I’ve heard in person or have seen posted on sites where I post my ‘parables,’ I am quite surprised by the number who actually take these at face value (i.e. literally). I wish to assure you this is an unintended consequence. As the writer I am pleased if someone finds value in this work at any level. Nevertheless, I assure you the stories have a meaning far beyond the superficial circumstances of which they’re circumscribed. The frivolity of the literal is intended to serve as analogy to the frivolity (from my viewpoint) of the ideology to which it points. If while reading something ‘clicks’ and you know what I am getting at, please comment! I’d love to talk to you. If you are confused, you are also in good company and I’d love to talk to you too. After all, it is only with my own writing that I actually seem to know enough to not take too literally. Others’ metaphors often elude me.

A health guru was attempting to motivate an audience of his adult followers, saying, “Everyone in this room would experience a superior state of health if he or she would just lose 50 pounds.”

One of his followers objected that he was already below a healthy weight. Without ascertaining the man’s condition, the guru replied, “Certainly you can still lose *some* weight. Yes, everyone in this room would benefit from better health!”

Desiring better health, many of the underweight people embarked upon the guru’s ‘better health’ advice. Some did so enthusiastically, others did so reluctantly. None of them improved their health.

There was a man who worked in assembly who had, on ocassion, neglected to fully tighten all of the bolts on his projects. His supervisor brought this to the man’s attention saying, “For now on, you need to tighten every one of these bolts with all of your might.” So the man did as his supervisor asked.

The following week, the supervisor walked by the man’s work area and said, “Be sure to make those bolts tighter.”

“I tightened them just as you asked,” explained the employee.

“Yes, but you could always make them tighter,” said the supervisor. So the employee set out to make them tighter, even to the point of stripping the bolts. Still the following week, the supervisor said, “Don’t forget to keep working on those bolts. You could always make them tighter.”

So the man continued his efforts to make the bolts tighter still. These efforts lead to bolts being stripped, his projects getting twisted and broken, and the employee sustaining significant hand injuries. The employee decided he should seek his boss’s assistance as his previous advice proved no longer useful. The man took great care in explaining this dilemma to his supervisor. The supervisor, without carefully observing his employee’s words or the nature of his injuries simply replied, “Yes, but you could always make them tighter.”

A kind, old man spoke to his grandson’s attentive eyes saying, “Son…do you want to know what lurks behind all the evil in this world?”

“Tell me!” The child requested.

“The answer is right under your nose…mustaches.” The grandfather stated with authority,  “Men with mustaches!”

“But I know lots of nice people with mustaches,” the boy replied.

“Oh, that’s what you think young man, but don’t let the hairy lip deceive you! Behind every mustache is a member of a very secret society.  They recognize each other on the street by their mustache,” his grandfather continued.

“But Uncle Frank has a mustache, and he’s not a member of any secret society,” the boy noted.   

“They do not reveal their secret to anyone—not even their own family,” retorted the grandfather.

“But what about some people I know, like my teacher, who grew a mustache for a while and then shaved it off?”  The boy inquired.

“Everyone dabbles in evil from time to time my friend.  The Mustache Conspirators will not let anyone talk about their experiences once they leave the society, lest their tongues face the same fate their former mustaches did,” his grandfather answered.

“But I saw two men fighting with each other at the gas pumps the other day and both had mustaches!  If this is a secret brotherhood, why would they fight amongst each other?” quizzed the grandson.

“They do that so you won’t even suspect they’re in cahoots—but they are!  It is not unlike them to use such tactics in order to convince people that men with mustaches are not plotting evil together.  They want to make those of us that are on to them look like fools,” the old man responded.

“What kind of evil are these mustached men responsible for?” probed the boy.

“Every evil that has taken place—or will take place—under the sun!  From the atrocities of Hitler to the assassination of JFK.  If you pay attention…If you look around…Every perpetrated evil—is linked, either directly or indirectly, to a man sporting a mustache,” his grandfather assured him.

A man was weeding through his garden and happened upon a somewhat familiar-looking plant, though it was not one he recalled planting himself.  The plant intrigued him and certainly looked harmless enough so he placed it in a pot and brought it inside his home. 

Mistaking the plant for a somewhat similar one, a neighbor told the man that his newly domesticated botanical had excellent nutritional value.  Taking the neighbor at his word, the man named the plant “Nutrition” and started sharing it with his family and friends.  Almost everyone thought the plant tasted great at first, but some couldn’t help to notice it had a distinct bitter aftertaste.  Many had grown weak and even suspected the plant may be poison—perhaps even killing them slowly.

But the man loved his plant Nutrition and was quite proud of his find.  He defended it effusively and would not entertain any words uttered against the plant.  The man would simply reply to his critics saying, “What was so wrong about me getting nutrition?  Why do so many people have a problem with me promoting nutrition?”

One night a boy overheard his parents argue over a pizza they had delivered.  His dad requested half pepperoni and half mushroom just as his mom suggested, but the pizzeria put both toppings on the same side.  Now his dad doesn’t like pepperoni, his mom doesn’t like mushrooms, and neither of them like plain pizza.

Thinking this would settle the dispute, the boy sneaked into the kitchen and began picking the pepperoni from one half of the pizza and placing them on the other.  But when his parents came into the room and saw him with their pizza, they scolded him and sent him to his room.  Eventually, they kicked him out of the house.

A man’s car ran out of gasoline while he was traveling a major Interstate.  A woman noticed him walking on the shoulder of the road and asked if he needed help.  On their way to the service station they realized they had much in common and decided to meet again.  Within a short period of time, the couple fell in love and married.   The union was a success as the husband and wife have been together for more than 20 years. 

Since then, the man has written several books insisting that running out of gasoline while traveling a major Interstate is the only true formula for meeting the perfect mate and having a happy marriage. 

One day, a boy planted birdseed in the family garden.  Each morning the boy faithfully walked to the garden to monitor progress, but didn’t find what he was looking for.  The nanny observed the boy’s strange fixation with the garden and asked the boy what he was doing.  He said, “I wanted to have a pet parakeet, so I planted some parakeet seed in the garden but for some reason I can’t get a parakeet to grow.”
 
“You stupid kid,” replied the nanny. “You forgot to water it.”

A carpenter provided each one of his apprentices with a set of tools that would enable them to make the same things they made while they were with him.  Then the carpenter left them with the tools. 

The apprentices responded in different ways.  Some continued to make good things, using the tools they were given in the same manner as the carpenter.  Other groups of apprentices realized the profit potential in using the tools to make things and devoted much time to peddling their goods.  Some decided not to use the tools in a constructive manner but to cause harm to others instead.  A vast number of apprentices refused to use any of the tools until the carpenter himself would return.  Finally, there were those who did not like the things the carpenter made so they refused the tools and the carpenter.  

 
A man told his landlord about how anxious he was feeling.   
 
His landlord said, “I know why you are feeling anxious.  You left the door open to your house some time back.  A dog entered and hid a bad luck charm in your home.  Once you find the bad luck charm and remove it, you will not be anxious anymore.”
 
The man searched the living room and found a piece of a rock.  He asked his landlord, “Could this be the bad luck charm?”
 
“It could be,” the landlord replied.  “You should get rid of it.”  So the man removed the rock and felt better for a while, but his anxiety returned.  Therefore, he inquired of his landlord again. 
 
“He may have dropped off more than one bad luck charm,” his landlord offered.  “Once you find the others and remove them, all will go well for you.”
 
Eventually, the man removed everything from his home that appeared suspect to his landlord.  Yet he still felt anxious.
 
“It must be the items the bad luck charms came in contact with that are still causing your anxiety,” the landlord concluded.

After a stressful day of labor, a man decided to stop at the beer store to purchase some beverages.  He brought them home, drank a few, and felt a little better.  Ecstatic about his new discovery, he produced a series of audio and video media and began hosting lectures around the world concerning his better living through beer.  He was once quoted saying, “I did it—and I’m nobody special.  Therefore, you too can improve the quality of your life by drinking a few beers every day after work.”  Many bought into it, but few had the same experiences that he spoke of.

A middle-aged, graying woman was in the midst of eating her soup when much to her disgust she noticed a thick, course hair in the bowl!  In the middle of this busy restaurant, she screamed, “There is a hair in my soup, I need the manager!”  Someone from the kitchen came running to her aid. 
 
“May I help you?” the gentleman asked as he approached her table.  The remainder of the restaurant staff and patrons became an attentive audience.
 
“There is a hair in my soup!” the woman screamed.  “Now I suggest you teach your staff how to properly run your business.  This is a disgrace!  There is nothing more repulsive than looking at a piece of someone’s filthy, greasy hair in a bowl of soup!  I refuse to pay for this garbage!”
 
The manager said, “I am sorry to see that you are unhappy.  There is no need for you to pay for the soup.”
 
Satisfied with the manager’s decision, the woman indignantly nodded her head with a quick jerk.  As she prepared herself to leave, the staff and patrons watched as yet another one of her course, gray hairs fell from her head, down toward the table, and into her bowl of soup.

A couple went away for the weekend and entrusted their son with watching over their home.  Since their son wanted to impress his friends, he invited them to the house to party in his parent’s absense.  

As the party progressed, the situation became increasingly out of control.  By the time it was over, the property was severely damaged and many of the guests were harmed. 
The young man mused extensively over his predicament.  First, he thought there might be a way for him to cover up the whole event so that his parents would never find out about it.  After a time, he realized this was not possible. Next, he began to ponder a good defense for having such a party while glossing over the damages it caused.  Yet this brought no peace to his mind.  Then, he considered attempting to undo all the harm that was done to the home and compensating his friends for their injuries.  Still the task was too overwhelming.  He also considered making it up to his parents by doing everything he thought they would want him to do all of the time.  Nevertheless, he eventually realized that he was quite incapable of keeping such a commitment.

Finally, the young man thought about the character his father had demonstrated to himself and others in the past.  He knew his father cared for him and would not do anything unreasonable regardless of the magnitude of his error.  Therefore, when his parents came back home, he simply showed his father the condition of the house and admitted to all he was responsible for.  The damage was so extensive that he knew there was no way he could fix any of it on his own.  As a result, the boy depended solely on his father’s kindness to deliver him from the situation.

A concerned parent, overwhelmed by her child’s seemingly lack of interest in everything sensed a feeling of relief when she overheard her child mentioning that he would like to get a particular book on psychology.  She thought to herself, ‘Oh, he’s finally taking an interest in something—and in his own father’s line of work!’
 
Not wanting to disturb the husband’s office bookshelf, the woman went to every new and used bookstore in town, purchasing every unique psychology book that she could find.  She raced home and anxiously knocked on her son’s bedroom door, saying, “Quickly, come outside, and see what I have for you!”  He walked outside the house and glanced toward the driveway.  He was amazed at the sight of a weighed-down SUV packed with psychology books in nearly every space excepting the driver’s seat.
 
“I overheard your conversation earlier, and now, here you are!” His mother proudly exclaimed.
 
Her son returned with, “Thanks for doing this, Mom.  But don’t you think this is a little extravagant for a Father’s Day gift?”

A woman and her husband had four children of various ages.  They made a commitment to treat all four of them both fairly and equally.  They felt it was their duty to ensure that neither [child] felt inferior nor superior to the other.  When the parents went clothes shopping for the kids, they were sure to purchase exactly the same style and size shirts, pants, and undergarments for all of them.  This was so that none of their children would be uncomfortable. 

A congressional hopeful, not affiliated with any political party, went door-to-door campaigning for the upcoming election. He stopped at a woman’s house and had a lengthy discussion with her. The woman was impressed by his answers to her tough questions and awed by his character and integrity. Finally, the woman said, “Sir, I believe that you would make a wonderful congressman, but I’m afraid I cannot give you my vote. You see, I’m a Republican.”

There was a woman entertaining some guests in her home. One [guest] mentioned that she thought it was too cold in the dining room. Soon, the others, along with the hostess zealously agreed that something needed to be done about the temperature. So they set the house on fire.

A woman went to a grocery store and purchased everything on her shopping list for that week.  On her way home, she spotted a flyer where she noticed some of the items that she purchased were on sale at another store.  Many products at the other store were also her preferred brands.  So she pulled over to the nearest dumpster, threw away all of the groceries she had just bought, and did all of her shopping at the other store. 

A group of dogs that occupied a farm often discussed just how different things were back in the old dog years.  Some of them barked out a dismal view of the farm, claiming a general decline of their honorable canine heritage.  In fact, the Bulldogs and Pointers, along with several others reminisced about how wonderful life on the farm once was; how all dogs shared their toys and treats, mated for life, and obeyed their master.  It was the carefree attitudes they perceived of this generation’s pups that led to their bones of contention.  The Pointers blamed the young for the thunderstorms that were coming upon the farm and the influx of predators.  They even blamed them for the Terriers’ activity.

Now the Terriers fervently disagreed and scratched the notion that dog life was running down hill.  In fact, they contested that overall dog life had improved.  They cried out for the mixed breeds, and how they were finally getting adopted into loving homes the same as the purebreds; how dogs and cats were now able to live on the same farm without trying to harm each other.  They dug up things that their opponents thought to be buried in the past, filling their good old days with bad dogs and all sorts of sons of bitches.

Still other dogs thought these conversations to be quite silly.  They saw many of these correlations to be far fetched—involving factors reaching beyond their level of understanding and realm of control.  In every generation, they sniffed various ideals that had grown worse as others were made better.  It seemed as though the Bulldogs, Pointers, Terriers and their followers only said what their packs’ itching ears wanted to hear.  But these dogs sensed their master was in complete control of the dog farm; attempting to figure it all out themselves would be like chasing their tails.

A colorblind father would often tell his housebound son that green was the color of the sunset.  Years passed, and the boy did not consider any other possibilities. 

Gradually, the boy’s health improved to the point where he could go outside and see the sunset himself.  As he watched the event for the very first time, he stood in awe of the landscape’s beauty as the sun seemingly sank below the earth’s surface.  However, throughout the course of the sunset, the boy couldn’t help but notice the sun and the sky’s deep red appearance.  This did not coincide with the green sunset his father had frequently spoke of. 

For a time the boy entertained the notion that the sunset may indeed be red (contrary to the description he held for many years).  Such pondering yielded him no minor distress and unearthed a myriad of other questions.  Was his dad just lying to him the entire time?  Was his father unable to see the sun as it truly was?  Was the boy’s own vision of the sun distorted?  Did the boy and his dad have valid reasons for seeing the sunset so differently? 

One day the boy finally conceded.  He decided that the sunset was green after all (though thoughts of red suns and skylines still intrigued him on occasion).  Nevertheless, even if red was the accurate description, green was still the more comfortable view.   

A man spent several years of his life saving to buy a monkey.  After buying the monkey and testing it out, he decided that what he really wanted was a bear.  He found that he could trade in the monkey, so it wouldn’t take him quite as long to get the bear as it did [to get] the monkey.  A few years later, he finally had enough to buy the bear.  Later, he couldn’t find a place for the monkey or the bear and couldn’t use them, so he exchanged them and settled for a dog.  Now he’s thinking that perhaps some day in the future he may even get a cat, but the dog is good enough for right now. 

There once was an amphibian fed up with being surrounded by water and he decided to leave his wet past behind to live on dry land. Of course, this too wearied him until he decided that it was a mistake to have left the water. Yet after sometime, he remembered why he had left the water to begin with and once again landed himself on dry land.

It came to pass that his entire life was spent hopping from wetlands to dry lands and back again while never understanding the value of having both.

There were some young men who grew up in poor families on old farms in a small town.  As a result, their access to fashion trends was extremely limited.  For the most part, the people in that old town had only known overalls.

One day while the young men were in town considering new pairs of overalls for themsleves, they happened upon a traveling peddler that introduced them to designer clothing.  The myriad shapes and colors that these new clothes had to offer overwhelmed them as they pondered what they had been missing all their lives.  So they took a large portion of the money they had allotted for such things and purchased the garments of the colors that appealed to them most.  They proudly displayed their new attire everywhere they went.  Some of the other townspeople saw the beauty of these new outfits themselves and decided to follow suit.

They began to exclaim how wonderful it would be if everyone in the town would wear colors just as they did!  At first they thought of how drab the overall clad people’s lives seemed and desired to introduce them to a brighter way of life.  However, they gradually began to look down upon the overall townspeople and criticized them for their choice of attire.  Some of the residents resented them and refused to ditch their overalls so to not be associated with such mockers.  Eventually, those who preferred the red clothes began to consider their own choice of colors best.  It also happened with those who chose the yellow clothes, the green clothes, the blue clothes, and the same with all the others.
 
Now the children of those that preferred red associate mainly with others that prefer red, the yellow with the yellow, the green with the green, the blue with the blue, and the same with the others.  The color groups often think of themselves as the true colors while maintaining a rather dim view of the others.  They are known to put each other in a bad light, and allign only when discussing how the overall-clad citizens should start wearing color. 

And in despite of it all, more color groups continue to be added to this day.

A woman began to display some symptoms of mental illness, so her family urged her to see a psychiatrist. Upon her first visit, the therapist provided a diagnosis and prescribed her a pill to help alleviate some of her problems. They had a follow-up visit two weeks later and the doctor inquired about the effectiveness of the medication. She said, “This pill hasn’t done anything for me at all. Fortunately, people at my job and family have been much nicer to me lately so I won’t be needing it anymore.”

A boy said to his friend, “My father told me to always use this instruction book that he gave me for all of life’s decisions. He gradually put the book together as my older brother and sister were growing up. All the advice he gave them throughout the years was written in this book and has been passed on to me. I am to consider the entire book prior to making any major moves. He told me that if I want to be successful like my brother and sister, I must never deviate from the book.”

His friend replied, “That’s really interesting, but what did your brother and sister do before the book was completed?”

The planning board got together to discuss whether or not more handicapped parking spaces should be reserved for the courthouse patrons.  The members were divided.  Half of them insisted that there was a potential for more handicapped persons to be at the court house than there were parking spots to accomodate them.  The other half thought that to be such a rare occurrence and that it not be prudent to make most of the best parking spots unavailable to the general public.  Then one member of the board spoke up and said, “I believe that we should go out of our way to assist those less fortunate then ourselves.  In fact, I propose that we make even more parking places reserved solely for the physically challenged.  But instead of reserving the front spaces for them, we should move them all to the back of the parking lot…”

(We are all humanitarians when it is convenient)

There was a book laying in the middle of a fork in the road and many people passed it by. Some stopped to ponder what it might be and continued on their journey; either to the right or to the left. One paged through the book and said, “This is a book of rules. I will isolate certain portions and quote them as laws. I will attempt to follow some of them and demand that others heed to most of them.” Another leafed through the book and said, “This book is full of divine promises and motivational quotes. I will segment a few of the passages and recite them whenever my friends and I are feeling down. I may even print or engrave them on everyday objects and sell them at a profit!” Yet another saw the same book and said, “This is a book full of magic spells! I will select a few of the sayings, and if I repeat them aloud enough times; I shall be healthy, wealthy and wise.” An educated man happened upon the book and said, “They are all fools!” So he argued about the contents and authorship of the book with his colleagues for many decades. Finally, there was one who approached the book with awe and wonder. He stopped to read the book and marveled at the path it took him.

One evening, a man purchased a TV set from an electronics store. Less than 5 minutes after removing it from the box, the television ceased to function. Immediately, he called the shop’s help desk to alert them of the problem and determine whether or not there was still enough time left to exchange the set that same night.

He began to explain his situation to the representative, “…I had set the TV on the stand, plugged it in, and seconds after I pressed the power button, the picture disappeared and smoke poured out from the cabinet.

The representative responded with, “Have you tried changing the channel?”

A carpenter was constructing a deck when the homeowner pointed out that he cut one of the boards too short.

The carpenter replied with, “No sir, I shortened the length of that board on purpose. That was to make room for the steel reinforcement pole that needs to be put there in order to secure the deck in the event of high winds.

“Why would you only put a steel reinforcement pole only on the left side of the deck?” the homeowner asked.

“Oh, I actually planned to put one on both sides of the deck-but I couldn’t put one on the right side because a large rock in the ground prevented me from digging to secure the pole,” said the carpenter.

“That’s interesting, because you also built my neighbor’s deck-and I didn’t notice any steel reinforcement poles on either side of his structure,” said the homeowner.

“Well, I didn’t care for your neighbor that much because he was always haggling with me, so I didn’t go out of my way to do anything extra for him,” said the carpenter.

“That neighbor you spoke of is my best friend,” said the homeowner.

Finally the carpenter replied, “Thanks for pointing out to me that I cut that board too short.”

Many students only knew the principal by how the teachers spoke of him. Some teachers said that he was a scary man-anxiously awaiting the opportunity to punish the bad children. Other teachers painted a more favorable picture of the principal, stating that he really cared for the kids and had their best interests at heart. Some of the pupils chose to agree with one teacher over another, some even argued and fought about it amongst themselves. Nevertheless, the students only knew the principal by how the teachers spoke of him.

One time during the 1950’s a man picked a rural area and went door-to-door selling televisions. One resident didn’t understand TV, but the man still managed to sell it by convincing her it was the best piece of furniture anyone could own. Many of her neighbors criticized her purchase because they didn’t understand TV either. Some neighbors knew about television but still criticized her because they didn’t agree with the programming. Nevertheless, this resident stood by her decision and became very defensive of her television set. She went on to tell her children, grandchildren, and other members of the community that they should all own television sets—even though she never used hers!

One day a guest came to her home and, noticing the television, asked her why she didn’t use it as a television. She went on to tell her guest how she believed it was the best piece of furniture that anyone could own. But before she could say anything more, the guest turned on the TV and turned it to a clear channel. The guest watched as the woman was amazed at the bright light and rich sound emanating from the set. Then he proceeded to explain to her many amazing things regarding the television. But the woman got up, turned off the TV and said, “Well, if that’s the way you want to use your television that’s fine. But as for me, I’ll just keep things as they are.”

Several individuals were gathered around a house, pointing and arguing about whether or not Mr. Smith lived there. Some drew attention to the various decorations on the home and in the yard that were notably Mr. Smith’s. Some pointed to the mailbox and said, “See, it says ‘Smith’ on the mailbox in plain English, so it must be Mr. Smith’s house. Others appealed to various sources; neighbors, local lore, legal documents, and the like in an attempt to defend the fact that Mr. Smith indeed owned the house. But each attempt to prove Mr. Smith’s occupancy was thwarted by yet another attempt to discredit it. Generations of lectures, articles, and books were made available to all who wished to believe [or not believe] Mr. Smith’s home ownership status. But only a few knocked on the door to inquire.

A small town elected a new mayor. The townspeople reported, “A 400 pound black man has become our new mayor!” One individual disturbed by such distinctions asked, “Why must we make divisions amongst ourselves by labeling people? Now, why couldn’t we just simply say, ‘A 400 pound man has become our new mayor?’”

There was once a recipe found that was believed to have been written by the master chef. It was said to contain the ingredients for the greatest meal ever made. Should one experience this recipe in its fullness, the dish would be palatable, nutritious, and satisfy hunger forever. Since this recipe was written in various places and took many years to complete, some of its ingredients were difficult to gather without being aware of the environments whence they came. Since few persons understood what the recipe was really about, many of them isolated individual ingredients, added some ideas and shared it with others as if it were part of the recipe. Still others had their own idea of what the final meal should taste like, so they presented the recipe in such a way that made it seem as though the original ingredients actually supported their own ideal meal. Amidst the confusion, there were some learned in nutrition that provided a better understanding of many of the ingredients, although they didn’t believe the meal to be a reality. Thousands of restaurant chains were set up across the world. Each claimed they followed the recipe the closest, had a better understanding of the recipe than the other restaurants, or understood the master chef’s true intentions. As a result, many strange meals were served across the world based on each restaurant’s application of the ingredients. There were restaurants that produced a fairly good meal and benefited many. However, there were more restaurants that served dishes not beneficial for their customers; many became ill, went mad, and some even died from the bad food. Now few people believe the recipe had any significance at all.