whatareyouthinking

A man left his house to go socialize at the local bar he frequented. Shortly after he left, the man’s next door neighbor noticed that much smoke was coming from the man’s house. He quickly drove to the bar to warn the man that his house was on fire. Not being a fan of this revelation, the man dismissed what his neighbor came to tell him, looked around, and asked his friends at the bar if they thought his house was really on fire. Although his friends did not know one way or the other, each of them helped the man feel better about the news by assuring him that they did not believe his house was on fire.

There was a man who fell into a well. A passerby heard his cries for help and stopped to talk to him. The man in the well told the passerby that he needed to get to the police. The passerby said, “That’s easy. Just make a right onto this road here, follow it out to Main Street, go about three or four blocks and the police station is right on the corner of Market and Main.

Based on some comments I’ve heard in person or have seen posted on sites where I post my ‘parables,’ I am quite surprised by the number who actually take these at face value (i.e. literally). I wish to assure you this is an unintended consequence. As the writer I am pleased if someone finds value in this work at any level. Nevertheless, I assure you the stories have a meaning far beyond the superficial circumstances of which they’re circumscribed. The frivolity of the literal is intended to serve as analogy to the frivolity (from my viewpoint) of the ideology to which it points. If while reading something ‘clicks’ and you know what I am getting at, please comment! I’d love to talk to you. If you are confused, you are also in good company and I’d love to talk to you too. After all, it is only with my own writing that I actually seem to know enough to not take too literally. Others’ metaphors often elude me.

A health guru was attempting to motivate an audience of his adult followers, saying, “Everyone in this room would experience a superior state of health if he or she would just lose 50 pounds.”

One of his followers objected that he was already below a healthy weight. Without ascertaining the man’s condition, the guru replied, “Certainly you can still lose *some* weight. Yes, everyone in this room would benefit from better health!”

Desiring better health, many of the underweight people embarked upon the guru’s ‘better health’ advice. Some did so enthusiastically, others did so reluctantly. None of them improved their health.

There was a man who worked in assembly who had, on ocassion, neglected to fully tighten all of the bolts on his projects. His supervisor brought this to the man’s attention saying, “For now on, you need to tighten every one of these bolts with all of your might.” So the man did as his supervisor asked.

The following week, the supervisor walked by the man’s work area and said, “Be sure to make those bolts tighter.”

“I tightened them just as you asked,” explained the employee.

“Yes, but you could always make them tighter,” said the supervisor. So the employee set out to make them tighter, even to the point of stripping the bolts. Still the following week, the supervisor said, “Don’t forget to keep working on those bolts. You could always make them tighter.”

So the man continued his efforts to make the bolts tighter still. These efforts lead to bolts being stripped, his projects getting twisted and broken, and the employee sustaining significant hand injuries. The employee decided he should seek his boss’s assistance as his previous advice proved no longer useful. The man took great care in explaining this dilemma to his supervisor. The supervisor, without carefully observing his employee’s words or the nature of his injuries simply replied, “Yes, but you could always make them tighter.”

A kind, old man spoke to his grandson’s attentive eyes saying, “Son…do you want to know what lurks behind all the evil in this world?”

“Tell me!” The child requested.

“The answer is right under your nose…mustaches.” The grandfather stated with authority,  “Men with mustaches!”

“But I know lots of nice people with mustaches,” the boy replied.

“Oh, that’s what you think young man, but don’t let the hairy lip deceive you! Behind every mustache is a member of a very secret society.  They recognize each other on the street by their mustache,” his grandfather continued.

“But Uncle Frank has a mustache, and he’s not a member of any secret society,” the boy noted.   

“They do not reveal their secret to anyone—not even their own family,” retorted the grandfather.

“But what about some people I know, like my teacher, who grew a mustache for a while and then shaved it off?”  The boy inquired.

“Everyone dabbles in evil from time to time my friend.  The Mustache Conspirators will not let anyone talk about their experiences once they leave the society, lest their tongues face the same fate their former mustaches did,” his grandfather answered.

“But I saw two men fighting with each other at the gas pumps the other day and both had mustaches!  If this is a secret brotherhood, why would they fight amongst each other?” quizzed the grandson.

“They do that so you won’t even suspect they’re in cahoots—but they are!  It is not unlike them to use such tactics in order to convince people that men with mustaches are not plotting evil together.  They want to make those of us that are on to them look like fools,” the old man responded.

“What kind of evil are these mustached men responsible for?” probed the boy.

“Every evil that has taken place—or will take place—under the sun!  From the atrocities of Hitler to the assassination of JFK.  If you pay attention…If you look around…Every perpetrated evil—is linked, either directly or indirectly, to a man sporting a mustache,” his grandfather assured him.

A man was weeding through his garden and happened upon a somewhat familiar-looking plant, though it was not one he recalled planting himself.  The plant intrigued him and certainly looked harmless enough so he placed it in a pot and brought it inside his home. 

Mistaking the plant for a somewhat similar one, a neighbor told the man that his newly domesticated botanical had excellent nutritional value.  Taking the neighbor at his word, the man named the plant “Nutrition” and started sharing it with his family and friends.  Almost everyone thought the plant tasted great at first, but some couldn’t help to notice it had a distinct bitter aftertaste.  Many had grown weak and even suspected the plant may be poison—perhaps even killing them slowly.

But the man loved his plant Nutrition and was quite proud of his find.  He defended it effusively and would not entertain any words uttered against the plant.  The man would simply reply to his critics saying, “What was so wrong about me getting nutrition?  Why do so many people have a problem with me promoting nutrition?”

One night a boy overheard his parents argue over a pizza they had delivered.  His dad requested half pepperoni and half mushroom just as his mom suggested, but the pizzeria put both toppings on the same side.  Now his dad doesn’t like pepperoni, his mom doesn’t like mushrooms, and neither of them like plain pizza.

Thinking this would settle the dispute, the boy sneaked into the kitchen and began picking the pepperoni from one half of the pizza and placing them on the other.  But when his parents came into the room and saw him with their pizza, they scolded him and sent him to his room.  Eventually, they kicked him out of the house.

A man’s car ran out of gasoline while he was traveling a major Interstate.  A woman noticed him walking on the shoulder of the road and asked if he needed help.  On their way to the service station they realized they had much in common and decided to meet again.  Within a short period of time, the couple fell in love and married.   The union was a success as the husband and wife have been together for more than 20 years. 

Since then, the man has written several books insisting that running out of gasoline while traveling a major Interstate is the only true formula for meeting the perfect mate and having a happy marriage. 

One day, a boy planted birdseed in the family garden.  Each morning the boy faithfully walked to the garden to monitor progress, but didn’t find what he was looking for.  The nanny observed the boy’s strange fixation with the garden and asked the boy what he was doing.  He said, “I wanted to have a pet parakeet, so I planted some parakeet seed in the garden but for some reason I can’t get a parakeet to grow.”
 
“You stupid kid,” replied the nanny. “You forgot to water it.”